the ugly "I can't!"

Typically I write here about victorious moments in this journey. Today (just to remind you I'm a real person!) I'll share my not-so-wonderful gym experience...

Some ridiculously awesome person anonymously paid for me to have 2 training sessions with Michael. I have no idea who this person is, but if you're reading this... THANK YOU! Anyway, yesterday was the 2nd session. I have no idea why, but during 3 different exercises I found myself irritated with Michael that he was asking me to do something I "couldn't" do. Seriously, at one point I kinda wanted to just walk away because I was so frustrated with not being able to do the movement as well as I thought he wanted me to do it. I'd tell you what it was if I knew the name of it... but it involved holding myself up on the knee-up thingy and then stepping over a bar that Michael was holding in the air. (I know, hard to imagine, but I'm struggling to explain it properly! Sorry!)

The last thing Michael had me do was a set of 30 seconds on / 30 seconds off on the treadmill... with the treadmill at an incline of 10. Yikes! And he wanted me to jog... what!? I'm pretty sure I even said that out loud as he punched in the speed... I thought to myself, "what is he doing? who does he think I am? I can't keep up this pace on an incline of 10!" But you know what? I did do it. I even increased the speed... and on the last round, when he increased the incline to 11, I did that too.

What is it in me that keeps thinking "I can't"? During one of the 30 seconds off I said to Michael, "you know, I guess I didn't lose 30+ pounds doing easy stuff." And that's totally true... at no point in the last 6 months has this been easy, so why do I think that all of a sudden I'm just going to coast by and keep losing weight? I'm not sure where these ugly thoughts come from, but I'm glad I have recognized them and can fight them!

And Michael, if you're reading this, consider this my public apology for my crappy attitude yesterday! I apparently have a long way to go... Looking back on yesterday though, there is a small part of me that wishes I had walked off, just to see what you would've done. Would there have been an epic "biggest-loser-esque" shouting match at Anytime Fitness? hehe... One can only wonder.

And the winner is....

I have never been an athlete... I've never really tried to be. But when I signed up for the "Resolutionary War" men vs. women challenge at the gym back in January, I decided to actually give this thing a shot. The winner would be determined by # of workouts at the gym, pounds lost, and miles logged. When I started to see others' miles in the notebook, something lit inside me and all of a sudden I wanted to WIN! Seriously. I started thinking about how I could get to the gym as often as possible. A friend even had to fuss at me once so that I would take a day off and let my body rest. By golly, for once I wanted to win an athletic competition and I was going to do everything within my power to do it! And well... I did it!

I'm not even really sure yet what the prize is for winning... I know I should care, but honestly, though I look forward to a prize, I'm more excited about having my name on that board for all to see. Does that make me a prideful person? I hope not in a bad way... I am proud of myself and all the hard work I've been doing!

I am so incredibly thankful for all the friends I have who have been encouraging me along this journey (& will continue to I hope!). Winning this one competition is only one battle won in a war! There will be more battles to come, for sure... but I'm going to enjoy this victory for a little while. :)

Hanging out with myself on a Friday night!

When we had to turn in our availability to work at DPAC in the month of March, I took off this whole weekend. I had no real reason to, except that I just wanted a weekend without working! I had no clue what I would do on this Friday night, but I knew I was totally ok with the fact that as of Friday afternoon, I had no plans for Friday night! And it turned out to be a GREAT night of Bonnie time!!

1) I finally went to the Summit offices to turn in past receipts from kids' club... that'll be a nice check to get in a couple weeks!

2) Went to Best Buy to buy an arm band so I can workout around the gym without having to hold my iPhone anymore. I was worried that the band wouldn't fit around my arm... but it did! :) AND it was on sale. Score.

3) I was on my way to Barnes and Noble (see #4) when I realized that Lane Bryant was having a 40% off everything in the store sale. I am in serious need of some jeans that fit, so I stopped in. When the lady asked me what size I needed, I had no clue... before September, I was wearing a 24... and the ones that fit best were 18s!!! Woohoo! I ended up not getting any just because I didn't like them, but I was still grinning from ear to ear!

4) Went to Barnes and Noble in search of the perfect planner or journal to write my workouts in. I've been searching for a week and haven't been happy. Well... I found it! And I'm in love. It is an 18 month planner that just so happened to go from March 2011 (so I don't have to waste any pages) to August 2012! It has the perfect amount of space in it to write my workouts and times, and even has a place for notes in the back where I will be able to write out other people's workouts. As I was checking out, I spotted some Godiva chocolate... hmm... "I've been good today, and am heading to the gym in a bit, so YES, I will have some Godiva dark chocolate. Thank you, very much."

5) Then... I went to Dick's Sporting Goods to see if I could buy any of their workout clothes yet. Back around November, I went and nothing fit! It has been a goal of mine to be able to buy/wear something from under armour. I don't really know why... just a silly little goal. Well... back in November I walked out of there so broken hearted that nothing fit... tonight I left with a pair of workout capris and 2 shirts... one being my very first under armour shirt! (Oh, and the pants and under armour shirt were both on sale. Score again.) I love it. :) Maybe it helped me accomplish #6...

6) I headed to the gym for what I knew would be a tough workout. I've been getting my workouts from Michael's website, and I was not looking forward to this one! It's called "One Hour in Hell" *yikes* It's 10 minutes each, as many as possible of push-ups, ring-rows (modified pull-ups), sit-ups, and squats, with 5 minutes of rest between each one. To warm up, I decided to walk a little... then I decided I should try to run a little... and I ended up jogging for HALF A MILE!! WHAT?! Yep, .5 miles... I couldn't believe it. It honestly wasn't that long ago that I was shouting to the rooftops about .3 miles. I finished up the mile and began the real workout... ended up doing 118 push-ups, 88 ring rows, 170 sit-ups, and 254 squats. Then I did the bike for a few easy miles to cool down as I watched the rest of House on Hulu (I love my phone).

And now I'm home! Relaxed and ready to go to bed... It has been such a fantastic, joyous Friday night all by myself! I'm even excited about getting to sleep in in the morning. Ahh.... the simple things in life. Goodnight!!

somebody pinch me

I think I might be dreaming! Just last week I tweeted that plateaus suck... because well, they do! I had gone 2 and a half weeks with only a pound lost, and even that one fluctuated from day to day. Then, the very next day I stepped on the scales and 3 pounds disappeared. Then today, 2 more have vanished! That brings the 30x30 total to... are you ready for this????

16 POUNDS! (That makes a grand total of 32 since September 2010) WHAT!?! Are you kidding me? I stepped on and off the scale multiple times today just to make sure. In January, I was excited about losing 7 and I said that I didn't expect big numbers like that every month. I lost 9 pounds in February. I'm still a little bit in shock. :)

I'm also, as of last Thursday, without a trainer... officially at least. Michael is still at the gym, and I have no doubt that he will still be as encouraging as ever, but for at least 3 weeks, I'm going to do this on my own. I'm taking applications for workout buddies though... ladies? Help! :) Seriously, I'd love to have someone to workout with!

Last night I went to the gym after DPAC for a workout. I intentionally went late so that there wouldn't be as many people there and I could set up my little crossfit set up and go to work. My workout was: 5 rounds (as fast as possible) of... 10 (25lb) kettle bell deadlifts, 10 burpees, 10 (25lb) kettle bell swings, 10 ring rows (it's like an adjusted pull up), 10 air squats, 20 v-ups, and 20 tricep pull downs. OUCH! I was sweating like a crazy person, but I finished in less than 22 minutes! Woohoo! I had to prove to myself that I could workout without Michael. It's always hard when the training wheels come off, but oh so worth it!!

5 months and Valentine's Day!

Alrighty... let's get right down to business first...



Today = 5 months of the new and improved lifestyle = 27 lbs! This last month has been a pretty big one weight wise... 7 pounds since January 15th. As for the 30x30 goal... I am down 11 lbs since January 1, so I have 19 more to go by July 1! I'm starting to confuse myself will all these numbers! :)



This has been an up and down month for me. The scale has been awesome... sometimes despite my not as awesome eating habits creeping in from time to time. There have been a few times that I've eaten above my calorie count for no good reason at all, which definitely annoys me. And there have been times I chose ahead of time to go above my calorie count... like at a friend's birthday dinner and a super bowl party. I'm learning though, to plan ahead for events that will probably (or definitely!) entail yummy, not-so-good-for-me food by getting in a little extra exercise and drinking tons of water before and after. I also know that I am NOT on a diet... and there are going to be days when I eat more. Life happens. And life often involves food. I'm willing to take this slow if need be. :) All that said though, pounds are still coming off and I'm SUPER excited about that. All the muscle building work Michael had me doing at the beginning is totally paying off now.



I'm so INCREDIBLY excited to share with you all how my class celebrated Valentine's Day yesterday. My class has been learning about exercise and healthy food all year. It's just something that has really stuck with them, and it's important to me, so we are always discussing it. Last week, as a class, we created the menu for our "Healthy Heart" party, and they all brought in the food yesterday. The menu? Juice, apples, oranges, bananas, grapes, carrots, broccoli, cheez-its, popcorn, and graham crackers. When they all came in with their contributions, they were SO excited! They talked all day long about the party and had a blast celebrating our friendships AND our healthy hearts. :) Not one time did they ask where the cake, cookies, or candy was. They didn't miss it at all! Lord, teach me to eat like a little child!!

i used to be scared...

I used to be scared to run... but today my workout set included 4 .25 runs (or jogs... my "running" is still pretty slow). By the 4th one I so wanted to slow down, but I'm finally getting mentally strong enough to talk myself though it and just finish! Dang, that felt good.

I used to be scared of the "guy side" of the gym, otherwise known as the free weights... but today my workout set included 2 different movements that had to be done on the "guy side"... I think my favorite moment was when I went to get the 30 lb bar to do curls, and this guy grabbed it first. I figured I didn't want to wait around for him to finish, so I grabbed the 40lb bar... and did curls right beside him. hehe I'da hated to be that guy.

I used to be scared to talk to new visitors at Summit en Espanol for fear that they'd discover my limited ability to actually speak Espanol! But tonight I forced myself to talk to people I didn't know. I'll admit, I was nervous and I'm still going to be a little scared next time, but getting to know new people is great, and something I need to do much more often!

Fear is no good... I'm learning to face my fears head on and I am loving it! Life is too short to live in fear and "what if"s. Besides, God didn't give us a spirit of fear, and if fear is not from Him, then I don't want it! What an exciting journey this is... every day I grow more excited about where the Lord is taking me and how He is getting me there day after day! Life with Him is far from dull - that's for sure!

30x30 check in - Month 1

Friends! I apologize for going m.i.a. for a while there. I feel like I’ve been writing a blog in my head and then never sitting down to type it out – I’m sorry!

First and foremost, I’m officially one month into my 30x30 challenge, and I’m so very excited to report that I weighed in today at 236… for a grand total of 7 pounds lost in January! I’m excited to kick off the year with a good loss… knowing full well that every month won’t hold such high numbers (I’m hopeful that they will, but also realistic!). 23 more to go by July 1st!

I also wanted to report in on some exciting non-scale-related victories.

1)People are starting to notice! I’ve had a couple teachers ask if I’m losing weight and then ask what I’m doing. It’s so fun to be asked for advice on losing weight and working out. I never thought I’d be asked for such advice!

2)A couple weeks ago I saw a cool pair of pants on the clearance rack at Kohl’s. They were a size smaller than the pants I’ve been wearing, but decided that since they were so cheap, I’d try them. And… THEY FIT! Hooray!

3) I’m starting to create my own workouts. My time (for now) with Michael is drawing close to an end. I’ll be with him until the end of February, and then I’ll be on my own until I can afford him again. So, in preparation, he has been having me create my Thursday workouts. 2 weeks ago he helped talk me through how to make it, and then last week he told me to come with a workout prepared and we’d go from there! I felt like a little kid turning in a research paper on Thursday, but he said it was a great workout. Turns out it was a hard workout… and one that lead to the next victory!

4)I jogged .3 miles on the treadmill last week! I say I want to be a runner, but honestly, nothing scares me more than being pushed to run. I like to jog for a short bit, then slow back down, then repeat. But in the workout that I planned last week, I had 4 sections that included the treadmill. Basically there were 4 rounds – the first one was .4 miles, then some other movements, then .3 (and the other movements), then .2 and .1. After the first round, before getting back on the treadmill for the .3, Michael said, “here’s what you’re going to do. You’re gonna get on the treadmill, close your eyes, and take 2 deep breaths. Then we’re gonna set the treadmill at a jogging pace. And you’re not going to slow it down until you’re done.” WHAT!? I thought he was crazy. I’ve been trying to work up to jogging .25 miles, and here he was telling me I was going to jog .3. Yeah, right, Michael. Well, what do ya know… I did it. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest, but I did it! I could hardly believe it. Michael said he wouldn’t have asked me to do it if he didn’t believe I could do it. Kinda makes me wonder when I’ll start to fully believe in myself as much as he does. Something to ponder…

Well, there are more I’d like to share, but I know if I make this post too long, I’ll lose you. So, I will hold my other thoughts until a later date. Thanks for checking in – I’ll leave you all with a great quote I recently read…

“Act. It’s of God. (Philippians 2:13) If you do rather than lamenting what you can’t do, you will do more than you thought you could.” - John Piper

Make War!

Anyone who knows me at all knows that music plays a huge part in my life. The right song can stir up things in me that I didn't even know existed. There are quite a few songs that have already been special to me in just the last 4 months of this journey. Back at the beginning, my friend Cole suggested I listen to this song. I don't think I can thank him enough for his perfect suggestion. My favorite part of the song is the first 30 seconds. Pastor John Piper starts out the song with this...

"I hear so many Christians, murmuring about their imperfections, and their failures, and their addiction, and their shortcomings. And I see so little war! Murmur, murmur, murmur. Why am I this way? Make war!"

Dang. I feel like I should just leave it at that. I don't want to be a lazy Christian sitting around, looking at my little pet sin and doing nothing about it. Yes, Jesus has defeated both sin AND death, but while I'm here on this earth, I need to be fighting day in and day out. Check it: in the Bible, Paul says, "I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me." (Romans 7:23) If sin's going to be warring on me, you better believe I need to war right back. I'm ever so thankful that Jesus is on my side in the ring with me.

I've said enough... I'll let Tedashii say it the way he does best!

intervals, birthday cake, and 4 month update

There's a lot swimming around in this head of mine right now, but for now I have three things I am excited to share with you all!

1) Intervals... I have been reading about training / working out using intervals, and Michael has definitely used intervals in my workouts before, but typically when I work out on my own, I go for the old stand by of working out (on the treadmill or elliptical) at a decent pace for a long period of time. Yesterday, I decided to try intervals on my own. According to my reading, there are all kinds of advantages to intense interval training as opposed to longer, less intense training, but yesterday the one that I most was thinking of was that you're in and out faster, and I only had a brief time frame to work out in! Here's the gist of it... after a brief warm up, I set the elliptical on a level of 3 (to begin) and booked it as hard & fast as I could for one minute. One minute... anyone can do that, right? I got up to 13 mph for a little bit! The point is to be pretty much exhausted after one minute (& trust me, I was!). Then you bring the pace down and keep moving, but not super fast for 2 minutes. Then... you go again, for 8-10 rounds (at least that's what this article said). I had 30 minutes, so I did 10 rounds. I switched up the intensity sometimes during the sprint, to make things a little harder/different. Oh my gosh. I was dead after those 30 minutes! Much more dead than after an hour of less intensity. I'll definitely be doing this more often. I'm always looking for ways to change up my workout. Any suggestions??

2) Birthday cake... Last night was a friend's birthday party. They went to a restaurant for dinner that has very little healthy choices, so though I love my friends, I decided not to go. Besides, I was still recovering from the intervals! I also knew they were going to hang out after dinner, so I decided to catch up with them post dinner. But... I knew there was going to be cake there. And Costco cake at that. I'm not really a cake fan, but for some reason, I love Costco cake. I knew today was weigh in day, and didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that, so... I took some time to make myself look as nice as I could... nice enough at least that I felt awesome. hehe ;) The way I figured, if I feel like I look great, I'm not going to want to eat the cake that helps me look not so great. And? It worked! I was surprised with not just cake, but ice cream! My biggest temptation. But... I looked good... and I didn't even care about the cake OR the ice cream. Love it!

3) 4 month update... It was September 15th that I weighed in and decided to never ever see that number again. Today is January 15th... I lost 4 pounds this month, bringing the total to 20 pounds! (As for the 30x30 challenge, I'll update on that at the end of the month.) I picked up Cadey's 20 pound bag of dog food today and thought, "dang... that's how much of me is gone!" GONE!

thoughts on the Biggest Loser

“I came here thinking that my journey was gonna be a weight loss journey, but it’s really turned out to be much more, and I’m not even sure how to define the kind of journey it’s become yet.” -Biggest Loser contestant who’s name I can’t remember (oops)

One of the guys on this season’s Biggest Loser said this, and though I have absolutely no idea what it must be like to seriously get your butt kicked multiple times a day and have someone monitoring your food intake at all times, I can relate to what he’s saying.

Anyone who watches BL knows that Bob and Jillian don’t shy away from getting into the crap in people’s lives. Sometimes it’s a bit extreme (hey, it’s a show) but as I truck along on this journey, I’m realizing that it really is necessary to deal with more than just a number on a scale. Most of the time, I go to the gym and go through my workout. But I’m thankful that Michael doesn’t just stop with the workout and tell me to have a good day. He asks me about my life and checks in. He knows when I’m not focused and he finds out why. He encourages me to keep fighting, often when I’m not so sure I want to.

The first time I ran (farther/faster than I thought I could) I just about cried… I realized that I’m used to giving up when I’m tired, but Michael wouldn’t let me! Gosh… that did a number on my emotions. I don’t want to be a quitter, so why am I? Another day I took a tumble while doing a box jump. (That was embarrassing.) No more “just about” crying. I lost it. There was Michael, again, being his awesome self… pushing just enough to get me to talk, but not so much (thank God he’s not Jillian) that I wanted to punch him. I was so mad at myself for not being able to do the stupid jump, but Michael used the opportunity to remind me that I don’t want to be the person who can’t do whatever it is I want to do. Phew! What a moment. And yes, I did stop crying and got back up and finished the workout! (But he lowered the box. hehe)

Anyway… I’m rambling today, so I apologize. I just caught up last night on this new season of BL, and thought I’d share a little of my thoughts on it. I know, I know… 10+ pounds in a week is not normal, but I watch the show knowing that, so I don’t get sad when I step on the scale and only see -1. I do love seeing what other people are capable of. If a 500+ lb person can jog for 30 seconds at 5 mph, then I can jog farther and/or faster… no excuses. I get pretty excited when I see them do a movement/exercise that I’ve done in the gym. And I’ve definitely learned that the emotional rollercoaster they show on TV is not just for TV. I’m pretty sure I’ve only skimmed the surface of the emotions that come into play in this journey. Yikes!

So what about you? Anyone out there watch it? Why or why not? Thoughts?

And on that note… I have an appointment with destiny! (aka… Michael/the gym)

The gist...

How is it that I came to this point… this point of being sick and tired of the way I was treating my body? Well… I’m terrible at making stories (even short ones) short, but I’ll try my best!

I have been considerably overweight my entire life… I’d say from about 1st grade on. I’ve done every diet (good and bad) out there and have some “success” stories from them. I’ve always wanted to lose weight… but I just haven’t had the drive.

Somewhere around three years ago, JD (my pastor at the Summit) preached a sermon series on the 7 deadly sins. As we’re all aware, gluttony and sloth are 2 of them… that hit me… hard. I want to honor Jesus, and I was smacked in the face with the blunt reality (gotta love JD), that I wasn’t. I would love to say that I changed immediately after hearing these truths, but I didn’t. It wasn’t really until at least 2 years later that I started really caring. JD (there he is again) preached about having idols in your life, and even mentioned food being one of them. That was it. I was done pretending I was fine. Again, I wish I could say that I was changed immediately, but at least this time I started caring. I started asking my small group to pray for me. I started reading an excellent book called “Love to Eat, Hate to Eat,” by Elyse Fitzpatrick. I started reading my friend Kim’s blogs, which focused around her journey to becoming healthier and more Christ centered. At times I felt like I was moving in the right direction, but eventually I’d wander… this was such a frustrating time for me… I wanted to want this… but honestly? I just didn’t care as much as I knew I needed to.

At the beginning of 2010, I joined an amazing women’s small group. After getting to know my struggles, they went to work praying for me. They’d occasionally ask how I was doing, but more than anything, they prayed. And one day… I snapped.

Yep. Snapped. I got word of yet another lady that I know having gastric bypass surgery. She ended her email saying, “tomorrow begins a brand new day!” Something about that infuriated me. Not at this woman, but at the fact that this surgery is becoming way too popular as the quick fix to obesity. I decided at that moment, that I will not ever have this surgery. It’s not happening. Period. Around this same time, I also started thinking more about the fact that if God calls me to go back overseas, I didn’t feel physically ready at all, and that wasn’t ok with me. Also, around the same time (coincidence? I think not.) a friend mentioned I should check out his gym. So I did. And I joined. Within a week. Within about another week, I’d hired Michael, the personal trainer (yeah, never saw that one coming)… I’ll spotlight him in a future blog. A few lines here will never do him justice. That was around the middle of September, 2010. The past few months have been simply amazing. I’ve had ups and downs, but the ups have FAR outweighed the downs. I’ve lost about 16 pounds, and have gained strength, health/fitness knowledge, and determination.

I’m fully aware that this journey has only just begun. There will be challenging moments, but I am finally in a place where I am surrounded by people who love and encourage me on an almost daily basis. God has richly blessed me. I love knowing I’m living in a way that glorifies Him.

30x30

Every January 1st, the vast majority of people make New Year's Resolutions. These resolutions sometimes get a bad rap, probably because most of us don't really intend to keep said resolutions... and I must admit, I'm typically one of those people.

This year will be different. This year, as of January 1st, I have 6 months until my 30th birthday (July 1st). This year I am pushing myself to lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday (hence, "30x30"). In a future blog, I plan to recap the general story of the fire that was lit under my tail about 3 1/2 months ago, which lead to me joining a new gym and hiring a personal trainer. For now, I'm simply putting this out there... on the oh-so public internet so that you, my friends, are all aware of this decision. No turning back now!

The ugly facts... today I weighed in at 243 (hey, better than the 259 back in Sept...) July 1st I'll need to be 213 (or less!).

I'm more than excited about this challenge in my life. In the last few months, the Lord has already taught me so very much about discipline and taking care of the only body He gave me. I can't wait to see what the next 6 months hold!

my cabin get-away

This past week I have been with the CEF (child evangelism fellowship) "boot camp." Basically, about 20 teenagers from mostly around North Carolina, came into Durham for the week to learn about effectively ministering in urban settings (focusing on children). Part of the time was spent learning in a classroom setting, and the other part of the days were spent putting this knowledge to work in some communities in Durham. It was a crazy, busy, amazing, reflective, humbling, challenging, encouraging, refreshing, and exhausting week.

The students all left this morning. Soon after they left I rushed off to a doctor's appointment, then to the Oxford Manor Kids' Club (like every Saturday), and after that, rushed home to get ready for worship practice and then the service at Summit en Espanol. Though I tried my best to pay attention, my brain was not functioning well in Spanish tonight. I kept thinking, "I need to get away... I need to process this week... I need to be quiet... I want to be in a cabin all alone in the woods!"

You all know I don't live anywhere near a cabin in the woods. I also don't have the means or the time to find a cabin somewhere and even rent it for a couple days. But I couldn't shake that sweet thought of hunkerin' down under a quilt in absolute quiet... with a cup of coffee, my journal, and a good pen.

So... I left church quickly tonight. I love everyone there, but I was stressing, and I knew I needed to put my plan into action. On the way home, I stopped at King's Red & White, a locally owned, family type corner grocery store right by my house. I bought some locally roasted coffee beans, some creamer from Maple View Farms (which is a in a neighboring city), and some ice cream from the same place. I also bought some apple butter... 'cuz nothin says country cabin like some apple butter! (plus the bootcampers ate mine.)

I hurried home to tidy up my living room. After a week of running in and out, only coming home to walk Cadey and sleep, things had gotten out of place, and I can NOT rest when things are messy! I turned down the a/c to make it chilly in here, lit an apple cinnamon candle, and brewed some of that home roasted coffee. While cleaning, I listened to my "Alathea" CD (a new band that performed and ministered with us at boot camp... they're a folk band... very soothing to the soul & "cabin-esque" ;)) Once the room was clean, I prepared my coffee, got out my quilt, dimmed the lights a little, and lit a wood-wick candle (at least I can pretend there's a fire going!).

Now, here I sit... in my own little "cabin" in the middle of urban Durham. ;) My cell-phone is on silent, and as soon as I hit the publish button I'll be turning off this computer. My coffee, journal, and nice pen await me.

my new favorite song

For the past few months, I can safely say that I've been listening to music in Spanish at least 90% of the time... at church, in the car, at home, everywhere! It's really helping me learn new words, phrases, and just get used to hearing Spanish. But for some reason, on Tuesday morning, when I got in the car at o'dark thirty to go to the gym, I didn't plug in my iPod and my favorite Spanish CD was in the house, so I turned on good ole k-love (the Christian radio station). This song came on the radio that I really liked the words to. When I got home that morning, I looked up the song and listened to it again... and again... and again. I looked up the lyrics, wrote them in my journal, and turned them into my prayer. Here they are...

Savior, Please (by Josh Wilson)
Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can,
but I don't know how long I'll last

Chorus:
I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me
Hallelujah!

It's better if you listen to it, so go ahead... I'll be here when you get back... Savior, Please

I remember hearing just a small part of this song once before & not liking the line "keep saving me." I thought it was coming from the camp of saying you have to "keep" being saved, which is not at all what I believe. But when I listened to it (numerous times) I realized that, yes, I AM saved... once, forever, always, tightly in God's grip. My name's already written in His book and on the palm of His hand. (Psalm 139:16 & Isaiah 49:16) That's pretty forever if you ask me. But, there is still a raging war of sin vs. holiness that is going on within me on a daily basis. And I DO need to constantly be saved from, none other than, myself & the sin that so often rears its ugly head.

I feel like this song was written by someone just like me. Someone who feels like he has a good, Godly image to uphold, and who feels sometimes like it's up to him to keep up that image. Or someone who's always on the go, trying to do the right thing, say the right words, or even pray the 'right' prayer. But, by golly, it's hard keeping up an image and trying to be perfect all the time. And I sure can't do it, just like this song says. I can't do this life alone... I'll never be able to do it alone, which is why I so desperately need God to hold on to me... so that when I get all prideful, thinking I'm doing everything right (and all the while getting further from the life of holiness He intends for me), He is still holding me, drawing me back to Him. Wow. I am so incredibly thankful that He has me. I'm His. He loves me - ME! Hard to believe sometimes.

Sometimes Christian music gets a bad rap. Sometimes it's downright cheesy or poorly executed. But I'm loving this song. I listen to it in the morning, to remind me of the truth that I can't do this alone. I need Him. I listen to it throughout the day because well, I'm stubborn, and I quickly forget the very things I need to remember. (The song say, "I fade so fast" - yep, that's me!)

I hope you'll give this song a listen, and let it do a work in your heart as it has mine!

Still laughing...

In my last post, I wrote that God makes me laugh, and well... I'm still laughing at what He's doing in my life. So VERY much has happened since I last updated this blog. I don't know where to begin... but since it's late, and all 2 of you who read this don't want to read a novel, I'll just give you the basics...

-My roommate got married... it was an awesome wedding, and I was so fortunate to be able to be a bridesmaid AND get to sing in the wedding. It's been quite a change for me to not have Leanne here at home. I miss her so so so much! But it's cool to see her living her life with Chris. They're a pretty stellar couple, and I'm so glad they're in my life!

- Yulyney officially moved in! God provided a great roommate to share the joys of the Ruskin House! We've had 2 big rains that caused flooding downstairs, and she's been a trooper the whole time!

- I'm singing again! Or should I say, "Estoy cantando otra vez!" In August, I wrote, "Tonight, as I sang the songs in both languages... as I worshiped my Savior in Spanish, my desire to learn this beautiful language was, without a doubt, rekindled. I pray that God will help me learn and then provide me with new opportunities to serve Him!" Well... no surprise here... He has provided!! It has been a crazy few months, as I've slowly but surely made my way into the Summit en Espanol community. In the beginning, on Saturday nights, I would serve at the English PM campus of the Summit, then go down just for the sermon in Spanish, and then I'd leave early to go be at the door to say goodbye to people at the English campus. Slowly, I started to hang around after the Spanish service and attempt to talk to people. With the help of Yulyney and a few other friends who felt sorry for me (hehe) I started to hang out after church with new friends from SeE. I eventually went to a Bible study in Spanish... and it has all just progressed from there. My Spanish is improving (very slowly, but improving nonetheless). This past Saturday night was my 2nd week singing on the worship team for SeE. I can't believe they let me sing! I can't believe that I call Summit en Espanol my Summit campus home! I can't believe that, lately, at most of the social events I attend, I only understand about half of what's being said! :)

There's more I could write... and probably more I SHOULD write, but at the moment, I'm exhausted. I worked 2 shows at the DPAC (Durham Performing Arts Center) and then went to some SeE friends' house for a birthday dinner and stayed too late playing cards. Fun times... I might regret it when I try to wake up in the morning, but these memories are worth being tired. God is good... I'm so glad He lets me live a life that makes me laugh so very much! :)

Dios me hace reír!

Indeed, God does have a way of making me laugh. Maybe that's the wrong response. Maybe I should be falling on my knees in gratitude and awe of His goodness to me when I least deserve it. But for now, at 3 o'clock in the morning, He makes me laugh. 2 months ago I wrote here that I was excited about learning Spanish, and I prayed that God would help me learn and provide me with opportunities to serve Him. Something I did not write, that I should have, is that I was also going to be losing my amazing roommate, Leanne, on October 24th because she is getting married. You all know that living in this house requires a very special person, and I was completely trusting God to provide someone in His time (though I was prepared to wait and live alone until He provided someone). Well, ladies and gentlemen... I am not at all surprised to tell you all that God has faithfully come though again, and He has done so in a way that just makes me laugh as I think about how it is only HE that could have done this.

A couple of weeks ago I got a random phone call during work. It turned out to be Yulyney, a girl from the Summit who was looking for somewhere to live. She had gotten my name/number from a friend at church. Turns out, Yulyney is Columbian (and therefore speaks Spanish!) and is involved in Summit en Español. Are you kidding me??? She came over to see the house the next day, and had dinner with Leanne and I a few days later. By then, she'd made her decision to move in. Yulyney has a heart to reach our neighbors with the love of Christ. She's ok with living in this neighborhood, even though it's not the safest part of Durham. Sound like anyone else you know?! :)

Tonight after church, I didn't want to go home. Yulyney was going to watch soccer at someone's house, but she strongly encouraged me to go hang out with some of the people from Summit en Español. I really wanted to go, but I was also very nervous... It has been 4 years since I've hung out with a group where most of the people in the room were not American. With Yulyney's encouragement, I ended up going, and oh my goodness... I had so much fun! I most definitely made a FOOL out of myself trying to speak Spanish. One friend even tried to teach me a little bit of dancing... haha... FAIL! It's ok though. I know I'm going to make an idiot out of myself learning this language, but I'm going to do whatever it takes! I'm ok with laughing at myself, as long as my new friends will be patient with me while I learn (which is going to take a while!).

So yes... God makes me laugh... both at His crazy, amazing, faithfulness to me, and at myself. He is so good.

I don't believe in coincidence

Sunday night (as my previous post records) I got super excited about the Summit's Spanish Campus, and my desire to learn Spanish was rekindled in a huge way. Today I went by the preschool office and picked up my class list/folders. I have 13 kids in my class so far... possibly 14 soon... 7 of the 13 are Spanish speakers and the possible 14th is as well. Over half of my students are Spanish speakers - that's more than I've had in the last 2 years combined. Add to this scenario, that the only other teacher from my school (besides the ESL teacher) that spoke any Spanish at all has gone to another school, AND that my classroom is right across from the front office... I think I will have MUCH opportunity to practice what I know and learn much more this year. Crazy... Coincidence? I think not. ;)

¡Summit en Español!

I have known for a couple of months now that the Summit would soon be launching our newest campus... Summit en Español. I was already excited about this because it was going to be meeting at the same time as the Summit Evening Campus (which is moving to Saturdays as of August 15th). I believed it was a great idea. I looked forward to occasionally making my way down to the bay, where the Spanish campus would be meeting, to listen to and sing in Spanish. But I can honestly say, I wasn't as pumped as I am now.

This afternoon, as I was helping set up for the evening campus, I was listening to the worship team practice (it's one of the reasons I love helping set up!). Everything was per usual... Raudel was singing "Here I am to worship..." when all of a sudden I realized he was not singing in English! My heart did flips as I listened and looked at the screens and realized that 2 of the songs we were singing tonight were partly in English and partly in Spanish.

You see, I used to love Spanish. In college, I was convinced I'd be a missionary someday in a Spanish speaking country... I ended up in South Africa, where they most definitely do not speak Spanish. Strangely, and most assuredly by God's grace, while I was gone for 2 years, not using any Spanish, I did not lose much of what I had learned in school.

In my first 2 years of teaching, I was able to use a good amount of Spanish (for many of my students, Spanish is their primary language). I bought a house in a neighborhood where many people speak Spanish, and I helped out with the kids at the Summit's ESL classes. I loved learning more words/phrases in Spanish. I met a pastor at a Spanish church and visited his church - vowing to continue to improve my Spanish so that one day I'd be able to understand his sermons! :) Slowly though, I used less and less Spanish. I still have Spanish speaking children in my classes at school, but the last 2 years, they've come in with a good handle on English. I lost contact with my pastor friend. I stopped helping at the ESL classes to focus on the Oxford Manor Kids' Club, and I have yet to have a good conversation with my neighbors.

Tonight, as I sang the songs in both languages... as I worshipped my Savior in Spanish, my desire to learn this beautiful language was, without a doubt, rekindled. I pray that God will help me learn and then provide me with new opportunities to serve Him! I am so excited, or should I say, "Estoy muy emocionada!" (Raudel, was that right??) about this upcoming Saturday, when the Summit PM campus AND Summit en Español will be simultaneously launched. I know God is going to do big things, for from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever!! Amen!

Eat cookies. Lose weight. It's that simple.

Seriously!? Are you kidding me??

Those were the words I saw flash before my eyes as I (not so simply) finished off my treadmill time this morning. Well geez, if I'd known it was that simple to lose weight, I wouldn't have gone to the gym!

I'm 28 years old, and having been struggling with my weight since I was about 7 years old, I can tell you - it's not simple. Nothing about it is simple. And eating cookies is not the answer. But slowly (I am fairly stubborn), God is teaching me what the real answer is.

I grew up in church, and I am thankful for the many truths of God that I learned at a young age! But I can honestly say that it wasn't until about a year ago that I ever heard a pastor preach about the sin of gluttony. Yep, I said it. Gluttony. It's not a pretty word. It's not fun to talk about. And it's especially not fun to hear about it. The sting of conviction is never sweet, but what is sweet is the amazing declaration that Jesus paid for my sin on Calvary. Though this is a hard battle, I know that God is the strength of my heart (where all this sin originates!) and my portion forever! I know that I am a child of God, and that He desires good for me (and good does not mean He lets me do/eat whatever I want!).

This has been an incredible, life-changing revelation for me. It's one that I have to constantly remember. My small group members have to pray for me and hold me accountable. It's NOT simple, but it's so worth it to know that I am faithfully taking care of the temple of the Holy Spirit, and that I am striving to live according to His plan for my life!

I realize that this concept (age-old though it may be) is quite foreign to our "supersized" "have it your way" culture, but it is Biblical. If anyone reading this would like to discuss this further, please let me know! I recently read a book called "Love to Eat, Hate to Eat" by Elyse Fitzpatrick, and I highly recommend it.

"Sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law, but under grace."
Romans 6:14

the happier side of Oxford Manor

After yesterday's post, I feel the need to write today and let you all know that today went much better! Brett went and talked to some parents Thursday afternoon and was told that "it won't happen again." Well, nothing happened today! I'm happy to take one day at a time. Today was a fun day at Oxford Manor. We had a surprising turn out of missionaries, and for that I am so VERY grateful! God always provides. :) I should be sleeping right now, so instead of writing a ton, I'll just show you some of the wonderful reasons I go to Oxford Manor every week. ENJOY!